Saturday, June 17, 2006
The Big Whinge Festival
Every so often, I am reminded how different I am from other people.
This is not a rant about how much teenage angst fills my life, it is from a perspective of calm ponderance and waves of tension that arise when I consider myself.
In honesty, I do get jealous of other people for who they are. Last night I was observing Tia and Tegan, and half wishing I could be like them. And they're a pair of my greatest and 'closest' friends. I don't wish I could be them - it's more a matter of wishing I could form those sorts of friendship bonds... I've never had a human best friend. And my experiences of imaginary friends - they're not normal imaginary friends... My english short story is about the line between reality and having an imaginary friend - I tried to explain it to someone once, and then realised that my concept of imaginary friend was completely different (and incoherent) to the majority of the population's.
I'm naturally a loner, a true blue INTJ Meyers-Briggs personality type. You should do that test, if you haven't. It's great. It feels nice to learn about who you are. Something else that really made me happy was The Power of One - The Loner's Manifesto: it was promising to be a great read. I felt like hugging that book, in a way. I had to return it before it became overdue. It's on my post-HSC reading list, don't worry. And I intend to own my own copy.
There are parts of me that are normal geek, normal nerd... And this is why I have to find a nice fellow insane pal if I begin a BA next year... But every time I've had the desire etc. for a 'best friend', it's all gone down the drain. I remember in the humble days of year 8, when Fiona first joined our group - I had great notions of her, Jess and I being a triplet of friends. Well, I barely need to say that such events did not happen. It was a trio, without me. Suchu, from you I am expecting a sympathetic comment, but I do not want it.
I'm happy with who I am. I wouldn't want to change myself. Gregor, in .. oh, I can't remember the acronym - he said that he didn't think he'd ever be able to understand me, and that I'm very complex. It was nice to have that confirmed. And be appreciated, at the same time. I'm not sure if I understand myself, even.
It's all very interesting, but it does depress me at times. How are other people able to have (and yes, be hurt by) these great and often lasting friendship-bonds - and I'm not? I'm a loner, I'm different, that's why, would be the simple answer. But sometimes I want those things. Maybe I'm a bit of a Paul (in a different way). In some ways, it makes sense, in others it's incomprehendible.
So this cycle of mrrhhhk-ness comes around every so often, and apart from feeling miserable, I can take the haughty "I am better than thou, oh so much wiser and superior" attitude to deal with it. Which leaves me feeling more sad, and all. Hm.
So, it feels unfair. But I did mention before that I've never had this earthly friend... But then there's Jesus. And everything's okay. ^_^
Yeah, so sometimes I get down, and wish I was more girly (although I would prefer to still detest materialism), or more chatty, but I like being me. And it's fun when I go insane with Bob or someone and we can laugh together, or I can make coffee for someone and be there to listen and answer questions, whatever they feel like.
My 'thing' (little task) for this and last week was kindness. I've been doing small nice things, but then I might bite out... and then I get annoyed at myself. Often it's just sarcastic criticism of someone else (or the jokes of Dr. T), and I apologise profusely (then the person wonders why I'm doing so), but I'd rather be a kinder person. Ah! So what I need is another me - ohhh yes. Heh.
One of my previous sayings of the week was "If I ran the world", this week it was "I've nearly finished all my major works - I can nearly see the light at the end of this tunnel called the HSC!", perhaps it will become (only jokingly, of course), "If only everyone else was me."
In jest, I say.
Oh, and for this ranting I can blame hunger and coffee. Oh, why not chuck Spider solitaire in there as well. But I guess now I've talked about something more 'real' in this frivolous blog, so there *pokes tongue out*. I hope you're not too offended.
Shameless plug of the post: Scarborough Fair
I've also added The View to my music link sidebar. Don't try and attack me by saying it's not a real sidebar, you html 133tists! ¶ 4:48 PM
This is not a rant about how much teenage angst fills my life, it is from a perspective of calm ponderance and waves of tension that arise when I consider myself.
In honesty, I do get jealous of other people for who they are. Last night I was observing Tia and Tegan, and half wishing I could be like them. And they're a pair of my greatest and 'closest' friends. I don't wish I could be them - it's more a matter of wishing I could form those sorts of friendship bonds... I've never had a human best friend. And my experiences of imaginary friends - they're not normal imaginary friends... My english short story is about the line between reality and having an imaginary friend - I tried to explain it to someone once, and then realised that my concept of imaginary friend was completely different (and incoherent) to the majority of the population's.
I'm naturally a loner, a true blue INTJ Meyers-Briggs personality type. You should do that test, if you haven't. It's great. It feels nice to learn about who you are. Something else that really made me happy was The Power of One - The Loner's Manifesto: it was promising to be a great read. I felt like hugging that book, in a way. I had to return it before it became overdue. It's on my post-HSC reading list, don't worry. And I intend to own my own copy.
There are parts of me that are normal geek, normal nerd... And this is why I have to find a nice fellow insane pal if I begin a BA next year... But every time I've had the desire etc. for a 'best friend', it's all gone down the drain. I remember in the humble days of year 8, when Fiona first joined our group - I had great notions of her, Jess and I being a triplet of friends. Well, I barely need to say that such events did not happen. It was a trio, without me. Suchu, from you I am expecting a sympathetic comment, but I do not want it.
I'm happy with who I am. I wouldn't want to change myself. Gregor, in .. oh, I can't remember the acronym - he said that he didn't think he'd ever be able to understand me, and that I'm very complex. It was nice to have that confirmed. And be appreciated, at the same time. I'm not sure if I understand myself, even.
It's all very interesting, but it does depress me at times. How are other people able to have (and yes, be hurt by) these great and often lasting friendship-bonds - and I'm not? I'm a loner, I'm different, that's why, would be the simple answer. But sometimes I want those things. Maybe I'm a bit of a Paul (in a different way). In some ways, it makes sense, in others it's incomprehendible.
So this cycle of mrrhhhk-ness comes around every so often, and apart from feeling miserable, I can take the haughty "I am better than thou, oh so much wiser and superior" attitude to deal with it. Which leaves me feeling more sad, and all. Hm.
So, it feels unfair. But I did mention before that I've never had this earthly friend... But then there's Jesus. And everything's okay. ^_^
Yeah, so sometimes I get down, and wish I was more girly (although I would prefer to still detest materialism), or more chatty, but I like being me. And it's fun when I go insane with Bob or someone and we can laugh together, or I can make coffee for someone and be there to listen and answer questions, whatever they feel like.
My 'thing' (little task) for this and last week was kindness. I've been doing small nice things, but then I might bite out... and then I get annoyed at myself. Often it's just sarcastic criticism of someone else (or the jokes of Dr. T), and I apologise profusely (then the person wonders why I'm doing so), but I'd rather be a kinder person. Ah! So what I need is another me - ohhh yes. Heh.
One of my previous sayings of the week was "If I ran the world", this week it was "I've nearly finished all my major works - I can nearly see the light at the end of this tunnel called the HSC!", perhaps it will become (only jokingly, of course), "If only everyone else was me."
In jest, I say.
Oh, and for this ranting I can blame hunger and coffee. Oh, why not chuck Spider solitaire in there as well. But I guess now I've talked about something more 'real' in this frivolous blog, so there *pokes tongue out*. I hope you're not too offended.
Shameless plug of the post: Scarborough Fair
I've also added The View to my music link sidebar. Don't try and attack me by saying it's not a real sidebar, you html 133tists! ¶ 4:48 PM
Comments:
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ok wait fine.. i thought id be able to live with a short comment but obviously not.. so heres my proper comment-
___________________________________
well im not going to give a sympathetic response.. at least i hope not.. and if it is.. im sorry i dunno when im being sympathetic and when im not being so *shrugs*
i have to be quite honest with you, often i find myself wishing i too was like tegan or like helz for instance.. coz shes like able to be with who ever and she STILL fits in.. its AMAZING.. and like.. i dunno yes i know i have quite a few number of friends but i always seem to find that id be stuck in a big group with people who might i add ARE all my friends.. but i dont quite 'fit', like for instance remember my christmas party/bday party last year?! ok so i invited my closest friends.. but while we were sitting in the backroom for dinner.. it was weird.. i felt soo.. invisible?!.. i dunno.. i mean i was SURROUNDED by my CLOSEST friends in the entire world.. and yet.. i still didnt feel like i was fitting in, i felt isolated and lonely and i felt like i didnt really have anyone who i could talk to about anything.. ok fine maybe it might have something to do with i was seated in the corner, but i sat there and i was watching all of you, kari talking to becca, u carmie jess and helz talking to each other, meg loz and nic having their own discussion and gen and mel were talking about some band or something.. i didnt no where i fitted.. which is probably really stoopid and strange but anyway.. (i did love that party tho.. it was heaps of fun *nods*)
i also remember in year 7, i was watching all my friends in my class (this is lyds group, my group were all mostly in 7Q while i was in 7K) and they all had their own little groups where they fitted.. and i was searching for my own little group of friends.. i was looking for a best friend.. i remember thinking once on the train home with aarthie and lyd.. we were discussing so much and when i was walking home i was thinking 'hey maybe we could be a triplet and be best friends'... *shrugs* well that didnt turn out.. tho somehow along the track.. i found gen.. and to an extent kari as well.. and also (although theyre not in my class) but meg loz and nic have always been there.. *shrugs* i dunno how it all happeneed but yea..
ok i dunno wat the point of all that was but anyway--
i like u the way u are.. and i admire ur attitude and ur words of wisdom (hush! dont say anything in protest) but i honestly do admire u, (ok wait is this the sympathetic part.. coz its not meant to be.. so sorry if its turning out that way..) and as u said later in ur blog.. do remmeber that ur never alone.. and u do have one of the best friends u can ever find.. and that is god.. and he will always and forever be ur best friend no matter wat happens *nods*
i have more to say. but i think ur getting slightly annoyed that i have given u a comment (tho its not meant to be sympathetic) but yea and u didnt want a sympathetic comment and im sorry
but anyway i love u muchly my dear hazelnut.. nothing can ever replace u *hugs tight*
luv always
suchu
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well im not going to give a sympathetic response.. at least i hope not.. and if it is.. im sorry i dunno when im being sympathetic and when im not being so *shrugs*
i have to be quite honest with you, often i find myself wishing i too was like tegan or like helz for instance.. coz shes like able to be with who ever and she STILL fits in.. its AMAZING.. and like.. i dunno yes i know i have quite a few number of friends but i always seem to find that id be stuck in a big group with people who might i add ARE all my friends.. but i dont quite 'fit', like for instance remember my christmas party/bday party last year?! ok so i invited my closest friends.. but while we were sitting in the backroom for dinner.. it was weird.. i felt soo.. invisible?!.. i dunno.. i mean i was SURROUNDED by my CLOSEST friends in the entire world.. and yet.. i still didnt feel like i was fitting in, i felt isolated and lonely and i felt like i didnt really have anyone who i could talk to about anything.. ok fine maybe it might have something to do with i was seated in the corner, but i sat there and i was watching all of you, kari talking to becca, u carmie jess and helz talking to each other, meg loz and nic having their own discussion and gen and mel were talking about some band or something.. i didnt no where i fitted.. which is probably really stoopid and strange but anyway.. (i did love that party tho.. it was heaps of fun *nods*)
i also remember in year 7, i was watching all my friends in my class (this is lyds group, my group were all mostly in 7Q while i was in 7K) and they all had their own little groups where they fitted.. and i was searching for my own little group of friends.. i was looking for a best friend.. i remember thinking once on the train home with aarthie and lyd.. we were discussing so much and when i was walking home i was thinking 'hey maybe we could be a triplet and be best friends'... *shrugs* well that didnt turn out.. tho somehow along the track.. i found gen.. and to an extent kari as well.. and also (although theyre not in my class) but meg loz and nic have always been there.. *shrugs* i dunno how it all happeneed but yea..
ok i dunno wat the point of all that was but anyway--
i like u the way u are.. and i admire ur attitude and ur words of wisdom (hush! dont say anything in protest) but i honestly do admire u, (ok wait is this the sympathetic part.. coz its not meant to be.. so sorry if its turning out that way..) and as u said later in ur blog.. do remmeber that ur never alone.. and u do have one of the best friends u can ever find.. and that is god.. and he will always and forever be ur best friend no matter wat happens *nods*
i have more to say. but i think ur getting slightly annoyed that i have given u a comment (tho its not meant to be sympathetic) but yea and u didnt want a sympathetic comment and im sorry
but anyway i love u muchly my dear hazelnut.. nothing can ever replace u *hugs tight*
luv always
suchu
# posted by 
: 5:29 PM, June 18, 2006
: 5:29 PM, June 18, 2006
cheers to feeling disconnected from the rest of the world!
something i find so interesting is that no one seems to feel like they 100% fit in. u can be the most seemingly well-adjusted person in all the world, but inside be a writhing mass of insecurity.
therefore... obscurely, no one is alone in loneliness. which to me is so bizarrely ironic. and unfortunately not always comforting (tho sometimes that thought gives me just a tiny little boost up)
i cant remember what my point is supposed to be...:S
but much love! xx
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something i find so interesting is that no one seems to feel like they 100% fit in. u can be the most seemingly well-adjusted person in all the world, but inside be a writhing mass of insecurity.
therefore... obscurely, no one is alone in loneliness. which to me is so bizarrely ironic. and unfortunately not always comforting (tho sometimes that thought gives me just a tiny little boost up)
i cant remember what my point is supposed to be...:S
but much love! xx
# posted by : 5:37 PM, June 24, 2006
: 5:37 PM, June 24, 2006Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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